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Mar. 25th, 2010

And The WCA Championship Belt Goes To......

You know......I wasn't going to say anything but fuck it......I understand that you two had problems and you weren't happy anymore. I know you're bored with her. I get that. But don't you think that after all these years of being with her that she deserved to have you sit down and talk to her about what's up? To tell her, "let's see other people," or "I've found someone else I'm happier with" Yea, it's still going to hurt her but at least once the smoke cleared some it would be easier to make arrangements to see your son. What about your son? Have you given any thought to that? It takes a world class asshole and a coward to end this shit the way you did. I hope for Jessie's sake that you try to be there for him if it's cool with Amanda. But if not then it's ok. He's only 3 and will forget about you soon. But on the other hand, do you know what it must be like to grow up without your father there? I couldn't imagine not having mine around. Could you?

But this of course isn't the only thing that helped you win the championship belt for WCA (world class asshole). She gave you the title shot and you took a shot at her both physically and emotionally. Now, with Amanda being my cousin, I have a HUGE fuckin' problem with that, especially the physical part. You see, I figure that any man who can hit a woman doesn't have the balls to hit another man. They go after the woman instead because they know they can win. It's just a good thing that I'm way up here and you're way down there because I'd smack you around like a little bitch the same way you smacked her around but unlike you, I'd show enough respect to make sure your fuckin' kid isn't in the room while I'm doing it. Where was your son when you were beating the shit out of my cousin? Your wife

Feb. 21st, 2010

Dream Interpretation

I keep having weird dreams from time to time. Something keeps urging me to learn dream interpretation for some reason....maybe I should whenever I get the time.

There's several dreams in particular....I don't remember them all that well.....just a former g/f who keeps popping in, singing some song in her native language then sings, "kingling, kingling, kingling....." in the chorus  over and over again. I stood there confused and pondered it (in the dream) but sensed it was nothing to do with me....and she was always very happy and cheerful. Finally today, I decided to look up the word, "kingling," and found that it is in fact an English word. I'm not 100% sure, but it could mean something else in other languages. Basically, a kingling in English is a weak, petty monarch or king of some sort. 

In this dream, her and I were sitting high up in a lush, green tree (pretty sure it was an oak tree). I had to climb up a ways at first, but did that with little difficulty and very quickly. I sat beside her on a branch as she singed the song happily. But then she suddenly fell. I wanted to grab her arm but it happened too quickly for me to react. I quickly climbed down the tall tree, jumping down the last several feet which should have injured me, but didn't phase me. I looked down at her as she laid on the ground, holding her stomach and crying, and for some reason, I just stood there and watched as I pondered what I should do and how I can help......and why her stomach of all things would be hurting and not the rest of her body. I felt that I should have rushed over right away but something kept me from moving. Something kept drawing my attention to her stomach and abdomen.....under her shirt and all she had on was her underwear... I thought, "was she pregnant.....and just lost the baby? No, she doesn't look it and there's no blood. She's skinnier than she was the last time I seen her......I should go over and help.....what the hell's wrong with me.......but this doesn't make any sense...." 

Of course, if something like this had actually happened, I would not have hesitated for a second to run over and help and assess her condition. I wouldn't have even thought of it. I've looked up some things about the dream. Here's what I've found thus far.

To see lush green trees in your dream, symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.

To dream that you are climbing a tree, signifies that you will achieve your career goals and reach those high places in society. The degree of difficulty to which you climb the tree will measure the speed of your achievement of these goals.

To dream that you cut down a tree, signifies that you are wasting your energy, time, and money on foolish pursuits. Alternatively, it may be a comment on your sexual nature.

To see a falling tree in your dream, indicates that you are off balance and out of sync. You are off track and headed in the wrong direction.

*(But what about someone I care about falling from a tree?)

Oak Tree
To see an oak tree in your dream, symbolizes longevity, stability, strength, tolerance, wisdom, and prosperity. It may also mean that you have built a solid foundation for success in some endeavor.

To see an oak tree with acorns, represents your climb up the social ladder and rise in status. 

*(no acorns in my dream)


To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife or that you and your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship, may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive experiences you had with that person. 

In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in.  It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable.

To see your mate's ex in your dream, suggests that you may be comparing yourself to the ex. The dream is trying to tell you not to make the same relationship mistakes that ended that relationship. 

Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.

*(I'm not so sure about this one......)

*I didn't find, "kingling," but I did find.......


To see a king in your dream, indicates that success and prestige is within reach. You will rise above your problems and adversities. It is symbolic of power and control. Alternatively, the king also symbolizes your father or some father figure. You are looking for support.

To dream that you are the king, represents your masculine power. Alternatively, it indicates that you have attained a high level of authority and power. Perhaps you are becoming too domineering or overly confident.

*So, where does "kingling" come in at if it's nothing to do with me? Someone else? I know I'm sure as hell not a weak idiot.....

Thus far, all I'm getting from this is that I'm going to be successful with the rest of my schooling and the test and it's not going to be that difficult. I'm going to climb to new heights and have a long, prosperous career. I have nothing to worry about. As for the rest of the dream? Who knows. I suppose time will tell and things will become clearer. 

Jan. 1st, 2010

Letting Go

I just had an interesting New Years surprise. I added someone (Tammy Rapp) I know from Battle Creek on my Facebook page (making sure there was nobody I was avoiding was on her friends list before adding her) and wouldn't you know it.....she apparently is hanging around with my ex-wife, Lisa and her click. My ex-wife jumped onto Tammy's account like a rabid dog, sending me the message, "John, I need to talk to you about something. It's not about me, it's about my sister. I need to tell you what almost happened to her...." Pissed me off.....Michelle wants to beat her ass now....and of course, she got my reply which was to delete and block Tammy from my Facebook page so that Lisa couldn't use it to bother me anymore. Now why would I give a fat rats ass what almost happened to Jennifer? It's not my concern. As far as I'm concerned, those people are my enemies, and I have no respect for people who either use other peoples' accounts to bypass the filters that block unwanted messages from others accounts, or people who allow their friends, acquaintances, etc. to use their account for that purpose. This isn't right because it's none of her business where I live or who I'm with or who my friends are. I'm sure she probably looked through all my pictures and clicked on the links to go to my friends pages. I feel as though my privacy has been violated. One of the things I liked so much about my life now is that she didn't know where I was or anything else for that matter. It's almost enough to make me wanna move again....but not quite because I like it here and there's no way she'll try to find me. She's too lazy for that and this is a huge city which she doesn't know her way around.

But the biggest question that's on my mind now is why is it so hard for some people to let go? These crazy girls who would rather cling to the idea that they may possibly get back together with their ex than to just move on with their lives. So desperate that they will continue to harass their ex every chance they get.....or at least think about them a lot and want to bother them. Calling their work, mailing letters to their work  for them, asking their ex's divorce attorney to pass messages along, searching for their exes on Myspace and Facebook then finding ways to bypass the filters, sitting around obsessing over them, playing mind games with them (yes, my ex-wife has done all this to me). These people need serious help. This is self destructive behavior that will only screw up their lives even worst. I just don't get it....my marriage sucked! She was always yelling and bitching at me. Didn't appreciate anything I did for her, always accusing me of cheating even though I wasn't, attacked me and had me sent to jail for supposedly beating the hell out of her (I only pushed her away to get out of the corner and away from her)......then wondered why I became so cold and distant. Why I stopped caring. She could have dropped over dead and I couldn't have cared either way. She killed my compassion....my sympathy.....my trust for people in general. Caused me to become a hard ass. Sure, I'm a stronger person now, but I'm so broken in so many ways. What makes her think I would ever go back or that things would be any better? Going back would be suicide. She has broken me....next time she would completely destroy me.....there will never be a next time. She just wants a sugar daddy and I'm not that stupid anymore. She's just trying to get me to talk to her, but what makes her think I would want to? I see that she thinks very highly of my intelligence. She's dead to me....wait....I didn't get that message.....I imagined it.....now to trick myself into believing that.....then things will be alright.....she doesn't exist, but Michelle does.....ok, now I feel much better......  ;) 

Dec. 12th, 2009


I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known
I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part )
You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark )
You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm ashamed)
There's not anything (there's not anything) to which you can't relate (to which you can't relate)
And you're still here

(You see everything, you see every part)
And you're still here
(You see all my light and you love my dark)
And you're still here
(You dig everything of which I'm ashamed)
(There's not anything to which you can't relate)
And you're still here...

*I can relate to all except for the references to being a woman. lol

Unkillable Monster

How the fuck are we supposed to know
When I'm a monster, with the way
You refuse to die
How the fuck are we supposed to know
If we're in love
Or if we're in pain

I'm a tightrope walker
I can't find my circus
And I'm damaged beyond repair
You're just a coffin
Of a girl I knew
And I'm buried in you

You never said "I'll end up like this" [2x]
No. No, no, no

Sometimes I dream I'm an exterminating angel
A traveling executioner from heaven
Sometimes I dream I'm an exterminating angel
A traveling executioner from heaven
Sent to give you the prettiest death I know
Call the grave and make our reservations

You never said "I'll end up like this" [2x]
You never said "I'll end up like this" [2x]
No, no, no, no

Are we in love or are we in pain?

How the fuck are we supposed to know
When I'm a monster, with the way
You refuse to die
How the fuck are we supposed to know
If we're in love
Or if we're in pain

Why is my wound a front door to you?
Am I my own shadow?

Nov. 2nd, 2009

Discount Cards

What is it with these in-store discount cards? Everybody wants you to have their card. At first I thought it was just a way for them to get your info from you so they can send you junk mail but now, some places don't ask for your info. They just give you the card no questions asked. What is it that makes them want me to carry their card around in my wallet so bad? To have it cluttering up my wallet along with my American Eagle card, Kroger card, Martin's card, Borders, etc. Do they really need to emphasize the fact that you can save money at their store that badly? I say screw the card! If they already have reasonable prices, I'll go back anyway without the card as well as recommend it to other people. Why not just enter your name and address into a computer so they can do it that way. I love American Eagle for that! By the way, Speedway cards work at Kroger for some odd reason. Sweet, one more card to eliminate. I like multi-purpose items.  =) 

Nov. 1st, 2009

Apple Pie

Ok, I'm posting this here so I don't lose it. I'm gonna make it sometime.

Apple Pie

1 pint Everclear
1/2 gallon apple juice
1/2 gallon apple cider
5 cinnamon sticks
1 cup sugar

Bring to a simmer to melt sugar then allow to cool to room temp or lower then add Everclear

Oct. 12th, 2009

Deep Thoughts

Ok, before I delve into this topic I have to announce a dire emergency. It is quite catastrophic. I'm a Michigan native in the middle of Hoosierville, Indiana with no Faygo!! What's up with that?! Being the fact that it's made in Detroit, Michigan not to mention I'm a HUGE fan of ICP, I gotta have it! Thanks to Martins grocery store, I'm happy now. They'll be seeing a lot of me during my Faygo runs. Ok, now that that's out of my system, back to our regularly scheduled program......and oh yeah, we just moved to Mishawaka during the first few days of the month and so far, I'm loving it.  =)

I've had another thought provoking conversation just today. I've never given it much thought before, but apparently my depth doesn't show very often. I guess because life has always seemed so much simpler to me than to some people. Issues seeming black and white to me most of the time....rarely ever gray......but yet, I've always been very open-minded. Everybody agrees with me on that. Then it occurred to me that the only time my depth shows is when it comes to emotions, and sometimes when I think about nature and not taking it for granted. Respecting and appreciating life in general weather it be plant, animal or human life. But what about other aspects? I'm now finding myself questioning how deep I really am and feeling like crap because I seem so simple minded in a lot of areas, but then is that really bad? Shrugging off or not thinking about things at all that don't seem important to me? But now after that conversation, I'm probably going to find myself doing the very thing that has annoyed me when a select few others have done it, although not to such an extent.....to be more analytical. I've never seen the need to before, which I blame a lot of on my upbringing.

To me, it's just a soda can, but to someone else, it's more. What is there to love or to hate about it? I've always been indifferent, but I guess I hate the fact that it's going to end up in a landfill somewhere yet, love the fact that it is well constructed and holds my delicious soda (or "pop" as I've always called it in Michigan). Nice labeling that jumps out at you yet, not very original. What about a tree. Hate the fact that it blocks my view yet, love the fact that it provides shade in the summer, has leaves that change color in the fall, is a home to squirrels and birds but also respect and appreciate the fact that it's a living object.

Or when deciding where to have lunch, one may say, "Well, we could eat at Burger King, but it's a slow period there so the fries will probably be cold and I could ask for fresh ones, but then I would have to wait and the cashier might be pissy about it, and considering they've probably had a rough day I don't want to further antagonize that. We could go to Long John Silvers, but it'll be packed and would be hard to find seating.....we could go through the drive-thru but I don't want to wait in line. But there's always IHOP, but they're more expensive and we'll still have to wait for our order and it'll be noisy because it's rush hour there......." This highly analytical thinking tends to annoy me because I'm not used to it and I've always thought it's unnecessary. If you spend so much time focusing on the small things and letting them bother you, you're not going to enjoy doing anything. You're not going to want to leave the house or to mingle amongst people. You'll drive somewhere that's only a block away because you'll worry if you walk, you may encounter undesirable people or it may rain or any number of other things. Personally, when I plan to go to a restaurant, I don't think much about how busy it might be or the wait times for my order. I don't pay any attention to the lady sitting behind me, talking on her cellphone to someone about her yeast infection. I don't give a shit. She could be talking about me and chances are, I won't notice. I block those things out. If people stare at me, I look back at them briefly then look away and that usually makes them stop. I pity them briefly for having no life, then move on with my own. I don't think anything about having to wait 20 minutes for my order or having to deal with the noise because I'm focused on spending time with whomever I'm there with. Chatting with them and enjoying their company. To me, nothing else matters much. It's just static. Even if the food was bad, it's not the end of the world. As long as everybody is enjoying the experience and I can afford to pick up the check, I'm not worried about a damn thing. I'm thankful for being blissfully ignorant to the meaningless ordure going on around me. Although I have to admit, I usually DO notice the artwork on the walls but even then I don't analyze them to any great extent. But maybe I should be more analytical in other aspects. I'll just find a happy medium with that like I do with everything else.

Sep. 9th, 2009


As glad as I am about having a job, I'll be glad when this assignment is over. The combination of 3rd shift and hard manual labor has worn me down. Pushing around heavy counters...pulling steel wheel boxes that weigh probably around 300 - 400 lbs on pallet jacks. My feet and back hurt and I haven't even been to work yet today. I usually jump right out of bed but lately I've had to force myself to get up, and that's without having to use my alarm clock. Dammit, I'm only 31 yrs. old, I shouldn't be feeling this tired. I feel more like 50. I miss my old job now despite some of the jackasses there. I could work 10 hours a day there and still not feel this tired.

Forge has been calling me lately, offering my a job that they can't guarantee. "If you're one of the first 10 people to walk through our door at 5am, then MAYBE we'll place you somewhere." What the hell is that? I'm not going to quit my current job if they can't guarantee me anything, especially with only 2 weeks left to go. They shouldn't treat people like that. They should do me a solid and say, "Ok, show up here at 5am and we'll give you the job, guaranteed. If you're not here at exactly that time, then we're giving the job to the next Joe Blow who happens to walk in or that we call." Then call the other nine people and guarantee them jobs as well. If they don't show up, the job is up for grabs and next time, they can guarantee somebody else a job. Pull names out of a hat or something.

Aug. 22nd, 2009

Lol, gotta love translations

Here's something from someone on my Facebook friends list that's in Swedish and the English translation, according to Google Translate.


Du är snäll och inte alls dryg. Att du skulle våga kaxa någongång är lika stor chans som om månen skulle ramla ner imorgon.


You are kind and not just over. That you would dare tease ever is equal chance that the moon would fall off tomorrow.

What!? The moon is gonna fall? Skit!! Um....I mean shit!!  lol

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